I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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