My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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