I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
