Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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