please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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