I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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