i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
