I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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