You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
