You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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