Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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