i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
