Are we in a gay sports bar?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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