I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
