Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
