I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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