I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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