that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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