I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
