Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
