I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
