your parents love me but you hate me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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