You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
