My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
