She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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