Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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