Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
