The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
