I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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