In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
