Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
