checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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