I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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