I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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