I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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