why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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