Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Randomize
