Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
