i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
