The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
