Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
