I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
