I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
