evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Too much gin, very little bucket
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
