Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You are a genius and a whore.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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