I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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