The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
