My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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