He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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