Life is so much better after having sex.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
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There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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