woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
