Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
