But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
